How Long Should Foreplay Actually Last? What the Research (and Two Doctors) Say

Last week we talked about the orgasm gap, and one thing kept coming up in the research: foreplay. Not "more foreplay" as a vague suggestion, but foreplay as one of the few variables couples can actually change. Which raises the obvious follow-up question nobody quite answers out loud — how much is actually enough?

"Is there an actual number, or is this all guesswork?"

There's a number, and it's a little deflating. A study out of the University of New Brunswick, published in the Journal of Sex Research, asked 152 heterosexual couples — ranging from 21 to 77 years old, in relationships from six months to fifty years — how long their foreplay actually lasted versus how long they wished it lasted. The actual numbers: about 11 minutes for women, 13 for men. What both groups said they wanted, independently of each other: 18 to 19 minutes. Almost nobody's getting there, and it's not because one partner cares more than the other. Men in the study wanted more foreplay too — they just tended to underestimate how much more their partners wanted.

"So the fix is just... longer foreplay?"

Not exactly, and this is where it gets more interesting than a stopwatch number. A separate study by researchers Petr Weiss and Stuart Brody, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2009, found something that complicates the tidy story: among the couples they surveyed, foreplay duration didn't reliably predict how consistently women reached orgasm with a partner. Intercourse duration did. That doesn't mean foreplay is beside the point — it means duration alone, foreplay or otherwise, isn't the mechanism doing the work. What's happening during that time seems to matter more than how long the clock runs.

Dr. Saketh Guntupalli, a gynecologic oncologist at UC Health and co-author of Sex and Cancer, points to what's actually going on physiologically during that window — the release of hormones tied to arousal and connection, which is part of why foreplay affects satisfaction even when it's not the direct trigger for orgasm itself. Dr. Steve McGough, a clinical sexologist and director of research at Women and Couples Wellness, makes a similar point about touch specifically: any contact that communicates care — not just genital touch — helps release oxytocin, which lowers stress hormones and deepens the sense of connection driving the rest of the encounter.

"So what should couples actually take from this?"

A few things, and none of them require a timer taped to the headboard.

First, the "right" number is closer to 18-20 minutes than 10, per what both partners in that 2004 study said they actually wanted — but that number is an average, not a prescription. Individual variation is enormous; some people are ready in five minutes, others need much longer, and neither is a malfunction.

Second, quality of attention seems to outweigh raw minutes. The Weiss and Brody finding — that intercourse duration mattered more than foreplay duration for orgasm consistency in their sample — is a useful check against the idea that simply stretching out the clock fixes anything. What's likely doing the real work is variety of touch, verbal feedback in the moment, and both partners actually paying attention to what's landing, not just running out the timer on a routine.

Third, the gap between what people want and what they're getting is itself worth just saying out loud to a partner. The 2004 study found men underestimated their partners' desired foreplay time — which means a five-minute conversation could close a gap that months of guessing never will.

The numbers worth remembering:

• 11 / 13 minutes — average actual foreplay duration, women vs. men (Miller & Byers, 2004)
• 18–19 minutes — what both groups said they'd actually prefer
• Intercourse duration, not foreplay duration — the variable Weiss and Brody (2009) found predicted orgasm consistency in their sample
• Oxytocin — the hormone doctors point to as the reason non-genital touch during foreplay still moves the needle

If you're building more of that time into the routine deliberately — not just waiting for it to happen — something like the Kama Sutra Naturals Sensual Massage Oil is a low-pressure way to stretch that window without it feeling like an assignment.

The number isn't really the point, the same way 95% vs. 65% wasn't really the point last week. It's a way of naming a gap most couples never actually discuss — and gaps that get named tend to close faster than ones that don't.

More, in time.

Sources: Miller, S.A. & Byers, E.S., "Actual and Desired Duration of Foreplay and Intercourse," Journal of Sex Research (2004). Weiss, P. & Brody, S., "Women's Partnered Orgasm Consistency Is Associated with Greater Duration of Penile-Vaginal Intercourse But Not of Foreplay," Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6 (2009): 135–141. Dr. Saketh Guntupalli, gynecologic oncologist, UC Health, via Bustle. Dr. Steve McGough, clinical sexologist, Women and Couples Wellness, via Bustle.